Swine ‘Flu Jokes

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Doctor – I think I have the swine flu.

How long have you felt like this?

For about a Wee wee wee wee eek!

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Mother: Doctor come quickly, my daughter has swine ‘flu – she woke up with pigtails.

Doctor:  Give her some oinkment. I’ll send a hambulance to get her to hogspital.

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Man ‘phones wife late evening on 30th anniversary.  Ran out of petrol on way home from work. Will miss big night out at restaurant.

Wife “Why didn’t you fill up earlier?”

Husband “Too risky – swine ‘flu”.

Wife “You bloody moron, its Mexico not Texaco”.

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Drug industry marketing schedule:-

1980 – HIV

1986 – Mad Cow

2003 – SARS

2007 – Bird ‘flu

2009 – Swine ‘flu

2011 – dog, cat, mouse, hamster, Bunny ‘flu, fever, diahorrea

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I’ve broken out in rashers.

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I called the Health Helpline – all I heard was crackling.
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“Hey waitress, whats for lunch”?

“You got pork belly and a pigs head, so we’re serving salad.”

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STOP PRESS Avian and Swine ‘flu mutate – flying pigs shot down over
White House.

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Dubya:  “Yo’ Blair.  Bad news.  Rumsfeld says this piggy-wiggy thing ain’t spreaderating worldwiderase.”

Tony:  “No sweat Mr President – tell the UN Iran can deploy it in 40 milliseconds in explosive paper bags.”

Dubya:  “W.H.O. will believe that.”

[Sorry Barak, this one only works with George Dubya]

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Beat the ‘flu – get a red stop swine on your door.

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IMPORTANT:  Ignore Health Dept email circulating the web warning not to eat tinned meat. It’s spam.

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US Centers for Disease Control – Advisory – Prescribe TAMIFLU for:

  • Waking with apple in mouth.
  • Craving truffles.
  • Licking plate clean.
  • Ordering BLTs with just “L” and “T”.
  • Wanting to run for Congress.
  • Visitors say “Man, this place is a pigsty!”
  • Smell of fever and bacon.
  • Fantasising about Miss Piggy.
  • Panic attacks instead of arousal from a smothering of honey.

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My friend says he has swine flu, but you know what porkies he tells.

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Sunday Glaxo latest: “Top Docs Warn Swine ‘Flu Hamdemic Could Be Aporkalypse”

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They used to say if a black man became President pigs would fly.

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Three animals were boasting in a bar.

“When I roar the forest quakes in fear” said the bear.

“When I roar all the animals stampede” said the lion.

“Hah, I cough and the planet shits itself” said the pig.

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Advertisement: “EAT PORK – Get them before they get you.”

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Man on returning from holiday:  “I got tested for swine ‘flu just in case.”

Cab driver: “Oh, you been to Mexico then?”

“Nah but  I’ve dated some real pigs in my time.”

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Breaking News:

“CDC: Pig ‘Flu Hits US”

“Pope:  ‘God Has Sense of Humour’.”

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4 Responses

  1. I hear David Kirbys new book about swine flu will be out soon
    “Evidence of Ham”

  2. Will they kill us all?

  3. That was hilarious! You made my day!

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